Dark Side of Relationship Between Family and Friends

7.half dozen The Dark Side of Relationships

Learning Objectives

1. Ascertain the dark side of relationships.
2. Explicate how lying affects relationships.
3. Explain how sexual and emotional cheating affects relationships.
4. Define the various types of interpersonal violence and explain how they are like and different.

In the form of a given solar day, it is probable that we will encounter the low-cal and dark sides of interpersonal relationships. And then what constitutes the dark side of relationships? In that location are two dimensions of the nighttime side of relationships: ane is the degree to which something is deemed acceptable or not by club; the other includes the degree to which something functions productively to better a relationship or not (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). These dimensions become more complicated when we realize that there can be overlap between them, pregnant that information technology may not always be piece of cake to identify something equally exclusively light or dark.

Some communication patterns may be viewed equally appropriate by society merely yet serve a relationally destructive office. Our society generally presumes that increased understanding of a relationship and relational partner would benefit the relationship. However, numerous inquiry studies accept constitute that increased understanding of a human relationship and relational partner may be negative. In fact, by avoiding discussing certain topics that might cause conflict, some couples create and sustain positive illusions about their relationship that may cover up a darker reality. Despite this, the couple may study that they are very satisfied with their human relationship. In this case, the erstwhile maxim "ignorance is bliss" seems appropriate. As well, communication that is presumed inappropriate by gild may be productive for a given relationship (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). For example, our lodge ascribes to an credo of openness that promotes honesty. Withal, as nosotros will discuss more adjacent, honesty may non always be the best policy. Lies intended to protect a relational partner (called altruistic lies) may net an overall positive outcome improving the functioning of a relationship.

Lying

It'southward of import to start off this department by noting that lying doesn't always institute a "night side" of relationships. Although many people have a negative connotation of lying, we have all lied or concealed data in order to protect the feelings of someone else. Ane enquiry study plant that simply 27 percent of the participants agreed that a successful relationship must include consummate honesty, which shows there is an understanding that lying is a communicative reality in all relationships (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). Given this reality, it is important to understand the types of lies we tell and the motivations for and consequences of lying.

We tend to lie more than during the initiating phase of a relationship (Knapp, 2006). At this time, people may lie about their personality, past relationships, income, or skill sets as they engage in impression management and try to project themselves as likable and competent. For example, while on a showtime date, a person may lie and say they recently won an award at work. People sometimes rationalize these lies by exaggerating something that actually happened. So mayhap this person did get recognized at work, but it wasn't actually an honour. Lying may be more frequent at this phase, too, because the ii people don't know each other, meaning it's unlikely the other person would have any information that would contradict the argument or discover the lie. Aside from lying to brand ourselves look improve, we may also prevarication to brand someone else feel better. Although trustworthiness and honesty have been listed past survey respondents as the virtually desired traits in a dating partner, total honesty in some situations could harm a human relationship (Knapp, 2006). Altruistic lies are lies told to build the self-esteem of our relational partner, communicate loyalty, or bend the truth to spare someone from hurtful information. Role of altruistic lying is telling people what they want to hear. For example, y'all might tell a friend that his painting is actually pretty when yous don't actually encounter the merit of information technology, or tell your mom you lot enjoyed her meatloaf when you really didn't. These other-oriented lies may assist maintain a smooth human relationship, but they could too become then prevalent that the receiver of the lies develops a skewed cocky-concept and is later injure. If your friend goes to art schoolhouse only to be heavily critiqued, did your donating lie contribute to that?

Some lies are meant to protect someone or brand someone feel better.

Equally nosotros grow closer to someone, we lie less oft, and the way we become about lying also changes. In fact, it becomes more common to conceal information than to verbally deceive someone outright. We could muffle data by avoiding communication about subjects that could lead to exposure of the prevarication. When we are asked a directly question that could expose a lie, we may respond equivocally, pregnant we don't really answer a question (Knapp, 2006). When we practise engage in direct lying in our close relationships, at that place may be the need to tell supplemental lies to maintain the original lie. So what happens when we doubtable or observe out that someone is lying?

Research has found that we are a little better at detecting lies than random chance, with an average of about 54 pct detection (Knapp, 2006). In improver, couples who had been together for an average of four years were better at detecting lies in their partner than were friends they had recently made (Comadena, 1982). This shows that closeness tin make u.s.a. improve prevarication detectors. But closeness can also pb some people to put the human relationship above the need for the truth, meaning that a partner who suspects the other of lying might intentionally avoid a particular topic to avoid discovering a lie. Generally, people in close relationships also accept a truth bias, meaning they think they know their relational partners and think positively of them, which predisposes them to believe their partner is telling the truth. Discovering lies can negatively affect both parties and the relationship equally emotions are stirred upwardly, feelings are hurt, trust and commitment are lessened, and perhaps revenge is sought.

Sexual and Emotional Cheating

Extradyadic romantic action (ERA) includes sexual or emotional interaction with someone other than a primary romantic partner. Given that almost romantic couples aim to have sexually sectional relationships, ERA is unremarkably referred to as cheating or adultery and viewed as destructive and wrong. Despite this common sentiment, ERA is not a rare occurrence. Comparison data from more than fifty research studies shows that about thirty percent of people report that they have cheated on a romantic partner, and there is good reason to assume that the bodily number is higher than that (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007).

Although views of what is considered "cheating" vary among cultures and individual couples, sex activity outside a principal partnership equates to cheating for most. Emotional adultery is more of a gray expanse. While some individuals who are secure in their commitment to their partner may not be bothered by their partner's occasional flirting, others consider a double-glance by a partner at another attractive person a violation of the trust in the human relationship. You but take to scout a few episodes of The Jerry Springer Bear witness to see how bodily or perceived infidelity tin can lead to jealousy, anger, and potentially violence. While research supports the full general belief that infidelity leads to conflict, violence, and relational dissatisfaction, information technology also shows that there is a small percentage of relationships that are unaffected or improve following the discovery of adultery (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). This again shows the complication of the dark side of relationships.

The increase in technology and personal media has made extradyadic relationships somewhat easier to muffle, since smartphones and laptops can be taken anywhere and people can communicate to fulfill emotional and/or sexual desires. In some cases, this may simply exist to live out a fantasy and may non extend beyond electronic communication. But is sexual or emotional computer-mediated communication considered adulterous? Yous may recall the case of former Congressman Anthony Weiner, who resigned his position in the US House of Representatives after it was discovered that he was engaging in sexually explicit communication with people using Twitter, Facebook, and e-mail. The view of this blazon of communication as a night side of relationships is evidenced by the force per unit area put on Weiner to resign. So what leads people to engage in ERA? Mostly, ERA is triggered by jealousy, sexual want, or revenge (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007).

Jealousy, as nosotros will explore more later, is a complicated part of the emotional night side of interpersonal relationships. Jealousy may likewise motivate or justify ERA. Let'southward take the following case as an example. Julie and Mohammed take been together for five years. Mohammed'due south job as a corporate communication consultant involves travel to meet clients and nourish conferences. Julie starts to become jealous when she meets some of Mohammed's new young and attractive coworkers. Julie'south jealousy builds as she listens to Mohammed talk almost the fun he had with them during his terminal business concern trip. The next time Mohammed goes out of town, Julie has a i-night-stand up and begins to drop hints virtually it to Mohammed when he returns. In this example, Julie is engaging in counterjealousy induction—meaning she cheated on Mohammed in lodge to arm-twist in him the same jealousy she feels. She may also use jealousy equally a justification for her ERA, challenge that the jealous state induced past Mohammed'due south behavior acquired her to cheat.

Sexual want can also motivate or be used to justify ERA. Individuals may seek out sex activity to boost their cocky-esteem or show sexual attractiveness. In some cases, sexual incompatibility with a partner such as different sexual activity drives or sexual interests can motivate or be used to justify ERA. Men and women may seek out sexual ERA for the thrill of sexual diversity, and affairs can take short-term positive furnishings on emotional states as an individual relives the kind of passion that often sparks at the commencement of a relationship (Buunk & Dijkstra, 2006). Even so, the sexual gratification and emotional exhilaration of an affair can requite way to a variety of negative consequences for psychological and concrete health. In terms of physical health, increased numbers of sexual partners increases ane'due south run a risk for contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and may increase the hazard for unplanned pregnancy. While sexual desire is a strong physiological motive for ERA, revenge is a strong emotional motive.

Engaging in ERA to become revenge may event from a sense of expose past a partner and a desire to get back at them. In some cases, an individual may try to make the adultery and the revenge more personal past engaging in ERA with a relative, friend, or ex of their partner. In general, people who would engage in this type of behavior are predisposed to negative reciprocity every bit a manner to bargain with conflict and feel like getting back at someone is the best style to get justice. Whether it is motivated by jealousy, sexual want, or revenge, ERA has the potential to stir up emotions from the dark side of relationships. Emotionally, anxiety almost being "found out" and feelings of guilt and shame by the person who had the affair may be met with feelings of anger, jealousy, or expose from the other partner.

Acrimony and Aggression

We only have to look at some statistics to go a startling picture of violence and assailment in our society: 25 percent of workers are chronically angry; 60 per centum of people experience hurt feelings more one time a month; 61 percent of children take experienced rejection at least in one case in the past calendar month; 25 percent of women and 16 percent of men have been stalked; 46 percentage of children have been hit, shoved, kicked, or tripped in the past month; and nigh 2 million people report existence the victim of workplace violence each year (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007; Occupational Safety and Healthy and Safe Administration, 2011). Violence and corruption definitely constitute a dark side of interpersonal relationships. Even though nosotros frequently focus on the concrete aspects of violence, advice plays an important role in contributing to, preventing, and agreement interpersonal violence. Unlike violence that is purely situational, like a mugging, interpersonal violence is constituted within ongoing relationships, and it is often not an isolated incident (Johnson, 2006). Violence occurs in all types of relationships, only our word focuses on intimate partner violence and family unit violence.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) refers to concrete, exact, and emotional violence that occurs between two people who are in or were recently in a romantic relationship. In guild to empathise the complexity of IPV, it is important to understand that there are three types: intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and situational couple violence (Johnson, 2006). While control is often the cause of violence, it is usually short-term control (e.yard., a threat to get you to turn over your money during a mugging). In intimate terrorism (Information technology), one partner uses violence to take full general control over the other. The quest for control takes the post-obit forms: economic abuse by controlling access to coin; using children by getting them on the abuser's side and turning them against the abused partner or threatening to hurt or have children away; keeping the abused partner in isolation from their friends and family; and emotional abuse past degrading cocky-esteem and intimidating the other partner.

Violent resistance (VR) is another blazon of violence between intimate partners and is often a reaction or response to intimate terrorism (It). The central pattern in VR is that the person resisting uses violence as a response to a partner that is violent and controlling; nonetheless, the resistor is not attempting to command. In short, VR is most oft triggered by living with an intimate terrorist. There are very clear and established gender influences on these two types of violence. The overwhelming majority of Information technology violence is committed by men and directed toward women, and near VR is committed past women and directed at men who are intimate terrorists. Statistics on violence show that more i k women a twelvemonth are killed past their male person partners, while three hundred men are killed past their female partners, more often than not as an act of violent resistance to ongoing intimate terrorism (Johnson, 2006). The influence of gender on the third type of IPV is non as uneven.

Situational couple violence (SCV) is the almost common blazon of IPV and does not involve a quest for control in the relationship. Instead, SCV is provoked by a item situation that is emotional or hard that leads someone to respond or react with violence. SCV tin can play out in many ways, ranging from more to less severe and isolated to frequent. Even if SCV is frequent and astringent, the absence of a drive for control distinguishes it from intimate terrorism. This is the blazon of violence nosotros most often imagine when we hear the term domestic violence. However, domestic violence doesn't capture the various ways that violence plays out betwixt people, specially the style intimate terrorism weaves its way into all aspects of a human relationship. Domestic violence too includes other types of corruption such equally child-to-parent abuse, sibling corruption, and elder abuse.

Child abuse is another type of interpersonal violence that presents a serious problem in the United States, with over i 1000000 cases confirmed yearly by Child Protective Services (Morgan & Wilson, 2007). Merely what are the communicative aspects of child abuse? Research has found that one interaction pattern related to kid abuse is evaluation and attribution of behavior (Morgan & Wilson, 2007). As you'll call up from our earlier discussion, attributions are links nosotros brand to identify the cause of a behavior. In the case of calumniating parents, they are not as able to distinguish between mistakes and intentional behaviors, often seeing honest mistakes equally intended and reacting negatively to the child. Abusive parents also communicate generally negative evaluations to their kid by saying, for instance, "Y'all can't do anything right!" or "You're a bad girl." When children practice exhibit positive behaviors, calumniating parents are more likely to use external attributions, which diminish the accomplishment of the child by maxim, for example, "You only won because the other squad was off their game." In general, abusive parents accept unpredictable reactions to their children's positive and negative beliefs, which creates an uncertain and oft scary climate for a child. Other negative effects of child abuse include lower self-esteem and erratic or aggressive behavior. Although nosotros most oftentimes think of children every bit the targets of violence, they can also be perpetrators.

Reports of adolescent-to-parent abuse are increasing, although there is no reliable statistic on how prevalent this grade of domestic violence is, given that parents may be embarrassed to study it or may hope that they tin handle the state of affairs themselves without law intervention. Adolescent-to-parent abuse ordinarily onsets between ages ten and fourteen (Eckstein, 2007). Mothers are more likely to be the target of this abuse than fathers, and when the corruption is directed at fathers, it virtually oft comes from sons. Abusive adolescents may also direct their aggression at their siblings. Inquiry shows that abusive adolescents are usually not reacting to abuse directed at them. Parents written report that their children engage in exact, emotional, and physical attacks in society to habiliment them downward to get what they want.

Aggression and even corruption directed from child to parent is becoming more than of an issue.

While physical violence has great potential for causing injury or fifty-fifty death, psychological and emotional abuse can also be present in whatsoever human relationship form. A statistic I plant surprising states that almost all people have experienced at least one incident of psychological or verbal assailment from a electric current or past dating partner (Dailey, Lee, & Spitzberg, 2007). Psychological corruption is nearly ofttimes carried out through communicative assailment, which is recurring exact or nonverbal communication that significantly and negatively affects a person's sense of self. The following are examples of communicative aggression (Dailey, Lee, & Spitzberg, 2007):

• Degrading (humiliating, blaming, berating, name-calling)
• Physically or emotionally withdrawing (giving someone the cold shoulder, neglecting)
• Restricting another person's actions (overmonitoring/controlling coin or access to friends and family unit)
• Dominating (bossing around, controlling decisions)
• Threatening physical harm (threatening self, relational partner, or friends/family unit/pets of relational partner)

While incidents of communicative assailment might not reach the level of abuse found in an intimate terrorism state of affairs, it is a pervasive form of abuse. Even though we may view physical or sexual abuse as the almost harmful, research indicates that psychological corruption tin be more than damaging and accept more than wide-ranging and persistent effects than the other types of abuse (Dailey, Lee, & Spitzberg, 2007). Psychological abuse tin can lead to higher rates of depression, anxiety, stress, eating disorders, and attempts at suicide. The discussion of the night side of relationships shows united states that communication tin can be hurtful on a multifariousness of fronts.

"Getting Competent"

Handling Communicative Aggression at Work

Workplace bullying is a form of chatty aggression that occurs between coworkers as one employee (the swell) attempts to degrade, intimidate, or humiliate another employee (the target), and research shows that one in three adults has experienced workplace bullying (Petrecca, 2010). In fact, there is an organization called Civility Partners, LLC devoted to ending workplace bullying—you can visit their website at http://www.noworkplacebullies.com/home. This type of behavior has psychological and emotional consequences, but it besides has the potential to harm a company's reputation and finances. While at that place are often mechanisms in place to help an employee bargain with harassment—reporting to Man Resources for example—the situation may be trickier if the keen is your boss. In this example, many employees may be afraid to mutter for fear of retaliation like getting fired, and transferring to another part of the company or getting another job birthday is a less viable option in a struggling economic system. Apply the communication concepts y'all've learned then far to address the following questions.

1. How tin can you distinguish between a boss who is demanding or a perfectionist and a boss who is a bully?
2. If you were beingness bullied by someone at work, what would you lot do?

Key Takeaways

• The dark side of relationships exists in relation to the light side and includes deportment that are deemed unacceptable by society at large and actions that are unproductive for those in the relationship.
• Lying does not e'er constitute a dark side of relationships, equally altruistic lies may do more good than harm. However, the closer a relationship, the more potential in that location is for lying to have negative effects.
• Extradyadic romantic action involves sexual or emotional contact with someone other than a primary romantic partner and is most often considered cheating or infidelity and tin result in jealousy, acrimony, or aggression.

• There are three main types of intimate partner violence (IPV).

  • Intimate terrorism (It) involves violence used to have general command over the other person.
  • Violent resistance (VR) is normally a response or reaction to violence from an intimate terrorist.
  • Situational couple violence (SCV) is the nearly common type of IPV and is a reaction to stressful situations and does non involve a quest for control.
• Communicative assailment is recurring verbal or nonverbal advice that negatively affects another person'due south sense of cocky and tin take the grade of verbal, psychological, or emotional corruption.

Exercises

1. Describe a situation in which lying affected i of your interpersonal relationships. What was the purpose of the lie and how did the prevarication touch the relationship?
2. How do you call up technology has affected extradyadic romantic activeness?
3. Getting integrated: In what means might the "nighttime side of relationships" manifest in your personal relationships in bookish contexts, professional contexts, and borough contexts?

References

Buunk, A. P. and Pieternel Dijkstra, "Temptation and Threat: Extradyadic Relations and Jealousy," in The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships, eds. Anita 50. Vangelisti and Daniel Perlman (Cambridge: Cambridge Academy Press, 2006), 540.

Comadena, 1000. E., "Accuracy in Detecting Charade: Intimate and Friendship Relationships," in Communication Yearbook vi, ed. M. Burgoon (Beverly Hills, CA: Sage, 1982), 446–72.

Dailey, R. M., Carmen M. Lee, and Brian H. Spitzberg, "Communicative Aggression: Toward a More Interactional View of Psychological Corruption," in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Advice, eds. Brian H. Spitzberg and William R. Cupach (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007), 298.

Eckstein, N., "Boyish-to-Parent Abuse: Exploring the Communicative Patterns Leading to Verbal, Physical, and Emotional Abuse," in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Advice, eds. Brian H. Spitzberg and William R. Cupach (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007), 366.

Johnson, Yard. P., "Violence and Abuse in Personal Relationships: Conflict, Terror, and Resistance in Intimate Partnerships," in The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships, eds. Anita Fifty. Vangelisti and Daniel Perlman (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2006), 557.

Knapp, M. 50., "Lying and Charade in Close Relationships," in The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships, eds. Anita L. Vangelisti and Daniel Perlman (Cambridge: Cambridge Academy Printing, 2006), 519.

Morgan, W. and Steven R. Wilson, "Explaining Child Abuse as a Lack of Safe Ground," in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Advice, eds. Brian H. Spitzberg and William R. Cupach (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007), 327.

Occupational Prophylactic and Health and Safety Administration, "Workplace Violence," accessed September 13, 2011, http://www.osha.gov/SLTC/workplaceviolence.

Petrecca, L., "Bullying past the Boss Is Mutual but Difficult to Prepare," United states of america Today, December 27, 2010, accessed September 13, 2011, http://www.usatoday.com/money/workplace/2010-12-28-bullyboss28_CV_N.htm.

Spitzberg, B. H. and William R. Cupach, "Disentangling the Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication," in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication, eds. Brian H. Spitzberg and William R. Cupach (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007), 5.

Tafoya, M. A. and Brian H. Spitzberg, "The Dark Side of Infidelity: Its Nature, Prevalence, and Communicative Functions," in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication, eds. Brian H. Spitzberg and William R. Cupach (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007), 207.

washingtonbrin1950.blogspot.com

Source: https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/7-6-the-dark-side-of-relationships/

Share this post